This is my first blog. Oh, I wrote about my biography when I got a wordpress.com account and it’s all true. The problem with that is that I think all of the time. I think about the news, old friends, gone friends, long nights and short days. I write poetry to work my way through the wiggle room that we need to hide enough of our emotions from a world that might not understand them.
The news these days is full of fear mongering and hatred. Envious of Canada, France, Germany and Norway, I wish I could solve the fear. Humans turn to violence and blind devotion in the face of the unknown, but I hope our survival will show us as developing creatures of conscious. Dogs need homes with people who love them. Cats adopt us and quickly teach us their rules. They believe themselves to be the adults in the relationships and mindfully shepherd us to dinner, outside, to bed. Humans, though, find solace in company of other humans. When they don’t find sympathy and love with humans they are open to other species. We even created pet rocks.
Growth never stops for us. We try out new foods, ways to clean, ways to travel, and somehow we retain our identity in the first focused moment when we say, “I am.” This is usually followed by a listing of traits, education, important people in the world, interests and hobbies, and what we are to our families. We determine what is nice and what is cruel. Ever defining those things, those moments, we learn to say no or yes. We become confident or stumble into the shadows looking for a cure.
The universe, while being neither cruel or kind, is interpreted as being both. Philosophy governs interpretations which inspire world leaders. Then the world brings in a sound stage and attempts to bring you to who you are. It’s uncanny the feeling of being in front of a group of people. Some will like you. Others will be baffled that although you speak the same upbringing and language, you are off your rocker. I’ve been off my rocker for years.
I thought I was a patient woman until I had to put up with myself. I could always advocate for others, but never worried about doing it for myself. That made me a target for bullying as a child. I learned that bullies are always around us, but my father told me to learn to like myself. If I could do that, I would be able to help others.
When you find yourself diagnosed with a severe, chronic or fatal disease or condition and your body decides to pull pranks on you, you had better be a person who likes themselves and is patient. That was a hefty lesson. I dropped things. I fell down. My brain became a clutter of insecurity and the harder I pushed myself, the more I couldn’t do things. You loose your edge, become fatigued. In fact, the fatigue is more a lassitude, and leads to your going through the stages of grief as if you had just died before your eyes. You don’t die, however, you become stronger. You take your time and pick up what you drop, including yourself. The small victories become huge victories, you see the little things that make up life. You pixilate yourself. I even bargained with myself about my expectations.
I tried to be normal, but that didn’t work out so well. I tried to be serious, only to find myself the butt of my own sense of humor. I fell asleep in the classroom only to find out that I do snore loudly. Doing that in front of the director of Language Arts was not the best move during my career. So now I am regressing to who and what I loved at the age of 12. I am writing. I am looking for the small bits that make me smile, and the larger realization that I am not done growing up yet. I will never be done growing up.
I’m a lucky woman. I have a family who love me, a home, a set of shibas who spend their days being my primary sense of companions. Joined by the cat I alluded to above, I’m not as isolated as I could be.
I haven’t said what is wrong with me. I don’t need to in order to let you understand me. Besides, I’d start joking about things and I’ll do that in another blog. Be aware that I am not alone. There are many of us who look healthy, but aren’t. Who look drunk or lazy, but are just having an out of body day. If it is me, I’m probably on a trip in outer space and have left a puppet to hold my place.
It’s nice to meet you, and I will be back soon. Happy Holidays and nice to meet you.
My name is Ann White.